A few years ago I bought one of those adult onesie costumes, a unicorn. I really just thought it was hilarious and purchased it without much of a second thought. I’ve worn it SEVERAL times. Any party or event that involves getting dressed up – the unicorn comes out. My husband really hates it, I guess it’s not “very attractive”. Meh, I think it’s awesome and everyone else seems to get a kick out of it too. So many people have seen photos of me in this thing, that now anytime there is a unicorn picture, trinket, or anything I’m what these people think of. I’m the unicorn woman now. I’m good with it, I mean it could be worse. You could think of me when you think of a sad old woman who doesn’t have any children. Or when you see that scene Kristen Wiig throws at the bridal shower in “Bridesmaids”. That would suck. I don’t want people to think I’m THAT person. Although I have thought I might do that a baby shower one day. I might just get so beaten down, that I just snap and start throwing diaper cakes and pacifiers all over the place. Yikes. I’m good with Unicorn Woman, if that’s the alternative.
We’re over 4 years into this damn infertility journey. I keep saying journey to make it sound better, like I’m more okay with it. Doesn’t change the fact that it is still the worst thing you could imagine. My body doesn’t do “the one thing” a woman’s body is supposed to do. What did I do wrong? Why me? It’s not fair. Why not that dumb biotch, she doesn’t deserve those kids, I’d be a WAY better mother than her?! You have more than ONE kid?! That’s selfish, give me one. No, not that one, the younger, cuter one. Oh yes, I’ve thought all these things. Horrible, I know. I’ve even said them out loud. Horrendous, I know. I used to think I was alone or crazy and that there was nobody else who could possibly know what I’m going through. Not true, while nobody knows exactly what G and I are going through, we’re not alone. I found out there a lot of people out there like me. 1 in 8 couples actually. That’s heartbreaking. I’d rather be lonely in this than have all these others going through the pain I go through. I was experiencing the grieving process every month. Every month. Every month I wasn’t pregnant I went through all those emotions. It was so draining. All I wanted was for it to be over. To have a child or not. I wasn’t sure I even cared what the outcome was anymore. I just wanted it to be over.
Tests. Procedures. Tests. Procedures. Surgery. Tests. Procedures. Surgery. Tests. All over again. And again. And again. And now here I am. Without fallopian tubes. I had a surgery to repair or tie my tubes after it was discovered I had pelvic adhesive disease and hydrosalpinx. The surgery ended with one tied, and one “fixed”. 12 months later I discover that the surgeon actually removed one of my tubes, the other tube was attached by adhesions to my uterus, and I had a 6cm cyst on one of my ovaries. Cool. That sounds awesome. Really excited about my reproductive future now. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!? Because it’s not enough to have just “wasted” another year trying to naturally conceive, but now that is completely off the table. I am literally putting all my eggs in the IVF basket now (I still gotta have some humor left). So here we are. Drained. Tired. Sad. Hopeful. Thankful. Scared. Anxious. Loved.
Did you know that unicorns were thought to have healing powers? They are said to only appear to a rare few, and unto them they have the ability to bestow magic, miracles, and wisdom. While I never really believed in them, I’m going to keep waiting to see my unicorn.