The end of the year is usually bittersweet. Our natural way of ending a small chapter in our lives and starting out with a fresh new outlook for the upcoming 12 months. Celebrations are followed by a review of ways we can improve ourselves and our lives this next go around; New Year, New You. I will work out, I will eat healthy, I will save money, I will improve my mental and emotional health, I will read books, I will be everything I think I’m not. Sometimes it feels inspiring to think I have a clean slate and the world is mine for the taking come January 1st. Sometimes it feels like I’m the biggest loser because I have never done all the grandiose things I thought I would year after year. Are these resolutions and goals what I should be focusing on or am I creating a false sense of possibility for things I’m not actually accomplishing? What do I really want to focus on and how can I truly be happier? Better yet, do I need to be happier? Am I not happy?
I’m not currently a member at the gym. Last week I started checking out deals online; which one is best for me, convenient from home or work, do they have classes or training, maybe boxing, or cross-fit because that seems kinda cool. On this day last year, FB reminds me that I posted “Anyone want to join me at the gym? I need a workout buddy!” Oh, that’s just priceless. Not one day did I step foot in a gym last year. Not one rep, not one mile. I had high hopes for that New Year’s resolution though, I was going to lose those extra lb’s that were holding me back from being the best possible version of myself. Here I am, another failed year of working out and being the thin woman I’ve never in my life been.
Make healthier choices. Do that after you spend the night eating every snack in sight, shoot burning booze, and consistently drink for 5+ hours. Do that after you feel like a walking dehydrated headache with raccoon eyes. I bet I feel like eating a salad after that. That goal will start on Monday. I’ll go grocery shopping, plan my meals, pre-plan those green and non processed lunches and dinners. Easy, especially since my husband weighs significantly less than I do and eats like garbage. No problem, we’ll just eat separate meals. I can handle him eating pizza and I can have kale quinoa. We can do this; probably for a week, more if I have extra items from that first grocery run that I’ll need to get rid of. There’s always that one indulgent night out or meal with girlfriends that feels like it voids out any good work you’ve done. Might as well quit now, the whole year is ruined. This is definitely an annual routine for myself, the only exception this year is that I did not go out or drink any alcohol on NYE. I didn’t even make it to midnight. This might be a new tradition to embrace for my 30’s.
My personal savings account has $74 in it right now. If that’s not embarrassing, I don’t know what is. I have just one credit card, and that is sitting at about a $2k balance, I’ve made little headway on that. My goal last year was to have it paid off and have at least a grand in my fun fund. Huge fail, not even close. We spent every penny we had intentions of saving last year on medications and our IVF plan. Yes, that was tens of thousands of dollars, but still here we are with nothing to show for that mid-size investment. I’m not sure how realistic a goal to pay off my debt or save money will continue to be in 2017. With our cycle continuing this year and additional meds or hopefully the purchase of baby items, that money is already spent in my mind. I’m sure this is another setup for disappointment, but hey, what’s another failed resolution to check off my list?!
Anxiety. Self-doubt. Depression. Inadequate and insecure. BE GONE! I will be positive, I will love myself and my body, I will not let other people’s impressions or opinions effect me, I will be more than content. If only it were that easy. If only I had the mental capabilities of pushing past these things. I will probably deal with all of those things forever. I should definitely work harder at controlling my emotions. I should work at anticipating situations and managing expectations. I should take a better look at how I perceive my body and my abilities. I should be happier with what I have and not be envious of others. This list is too long for what I can handle in a year. There is not enough time to transform my entire being and change my genetic makeup. I will have to learn to improve where I can and accept what cannot be changed. Sounds like a lifetime resolution.
Last year I started a book club with my sister. There was only a few of us, not a big ordeal or or anything. First book on the docket, “The Girl on the Train” so then we can go see the movie after too. I purchased my book, a real book at the store, and brought it with me to work everyday. I had such great intentions of reading that book. It got wet one day while walking to the office whilst it was torrential down pouring. It got all crunchy and folded over in the corners. My sister offered me her copy as she was finished and here I am still not done. Everyone else read it in the planned amount of time. I really have no reason for not doing it, I have time, I just chose to not spend that time reading. I even went as far as to decide if we were going to have our book club meeting, that I would lead the discussion with questions I had Googled. You know, control the conversation and maybe I could just agree and add little bits that wouldn’t be too obvious that I didn’t read the book. Whoa, it might have been easier to just read the damn book! I did come clean, and tell everyone, we laughed and that was that. But seriously, how hard of a resolution is it to read a book??
With our infertility, you’d think that having a baby would be on this list of resolutions. Nope, not a chance in hell. All these goals should be somewhat attainable, I could put in extra effort and only be moderately disappointed come December 2017. After 5 years, I know that there is nothing I can do to change our situation. I can’t make my tubes come back, I can’t make more eggs than my body has, I can’t control my uterus, it’s just not going to happen and I’m not going to entertain the idea. It’s too obvious and I’m going to do everything I can whether it’s January 1st, May 19th, or August 8th. It doesn’t need any extra pressure, it’ll always be our priority. Unfortunately, that also means I need to work on each of those overdone resolutions again this year. We had to cancel our January IVF cycle due to my weight – when we started the process we were accepted into a warranty program, but we needed to meet certain high requirements to do so. One of those was my weight, and I was at the very top of that scale to start with, so I’m not surprised that I’m in this situation now. Eating healthier will have to play a part in that now as well, I can’t expect to eat the same way I have been and see any changes. Like I said earlier, I’ll continue to either save money for medications, save money for a baby, and probably not make a large change to any additional savings unless there are big changes in that IVF department. With all the physical, mental, and emotional aspects of fertility treatments coupled with any other environmental situations I’m encountering; self improvement and self love will remain a battle and priority for the foreseeable future. I’m not going to say that I’m going to read a book. Forget it, I have enough on my plate and if that doesn’t happen, I’m okay with it. We’ll call it bonus points.
Today is a blank page. Are we starting over or re-writing the same one as last year? Do I want to be different and a new and improved version of myself? Is it a step towards being better or bitter? There are a lot of things we want to see happen or change in the coming year; myself more than included. However, I will try to focus more on purpose and intent. Take the time to understand, and agree with the ‘WHY’ part of things. I want my actions to have meaning. I don’t want to be new or different. My husband, friends, and family love this me. I can’t change me or who I am. I am happy, and I want to work on staying happy. There’s no such thing as a life that’s better than yours.