Life with Death.

It’s been a rough few days, and today is already included in that. Our best friends miscarried end of last week. My husband’s grandpa passed away on Friday. Today marks 3 years since my sister-in-law was killed in a car accident. The sun is out but it’s still pretty dark here.

She was pregnant with their second child, still early to share the news, but of course they told me. They’re both my best friend, have been for almost 10 years. I was thrilled they were expecting, it hurts at first. Truthfully, it hurts a lot, but it doesn’t hurt forever. After it settled, I was giddy at the thought of our upcoming IVF cycle working and for our future babies to be besties too! How awesome would that be?! Maybe one of us would have a girl, the other a boy, and they’d obviously get married and we’d be in-laws! The excitement I started to feel was soon halted when things didn’t go well at her first ultrasound. I tried to comfort and reassure her, it was nothing to be worried about, everything would be fine. I really didn’t want to be wrong, and I couldn’t find the words when she told me the news. I got flowers over to the house following her surgery and sent loving texts to the both of them. They need their time together as a family, but I just wanted them to know I’m here. With everything we have going on in our infertility journey she was thankful for the support during her loss. It’s easy to get wrapped up in my own life, my struggles, but being there and helping someone else does not take away from me. I’m beyond proud and inspired by her and the strength she’s shown since; sharing her story not for sympathy or attention, but for those also go through the heartache.

Grandpa Ray and I had a unique relationship. G’s grandpa and I were two peas in a pod. We both thought the other was hilarious, we loved telling stories, were sarcastic and witty. We always had inside jokes and secrets, shared winks and smirks at family gatherings. There was something very special about him. He accepted me into the family immediately. That meant so much to me because he meant so much to G. He was his role model, and taught him all the things his mom couldn’t. The strong, nurturing, and loving man I married is all of those things in part to his grandpa – he learned from the best. Ray played such a big part in his children’s and grandchildren’s lives. Besides the huge loss we all feel as a family, I’m sad that he will never see G as a father. He won’t get to see all the things he taught him passed down again to his great-grandchild/children. It’s hard to imagine our future without him, to lose one life and still be optimistic about creating a new one.

Three years have gone by since she was killed in a car accident. My husband’s only sibling, my mother-in-law’s only daughter, our only Angie. She was beautiful and stubborn. Intelligent and funny. Outgoing and outspoken. She didn’t take any crap from anyone, and would always have your back. Every time we got together she would pick on G, we’d often team up against him just for fun. It was probably one of her favorite pastimes, she’d always be older and bigger than her little brother, even if they weren’t kids anymore. Just over a year ago, my sister brought our sweet niece into the world. I’ve never loved anyone more than her. While of course G would do anything for his goddaughter, I imagine it being different. It goes without saying that he loves her like crazy; but is it different when your own sibling has children, a different bond and connection that he’ll be missing? And one that our future little ones will miss with her as well? It will never be the same without her here. We’ll always be missing a sister, daughter, aunt, and friend.

Tomorrow is my baseline ultrasound for our first IVF cycle. With all kinds of emotions stirring this last week, I’m not even sure how I’m feeling about this. We’ve been waiting for so long, then planning for just as long, it felt like it’d never happen. Now here it is, staring us right in the face. It’s amazing what life really is. Rewind. Fast-forward. Pause. There’s just never the right speed for what you’re experiencing. I want to go back in time to be with these people we’ve lost, but go in the future to create our family, and stay right here to enjoy what I have now. Ups and downs, ready or not, hurry up and wait, life and death. No expectations now, no matter the duration, we have to love the journey while it’s ours to live.

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