First IVF 

BASELINE: Tuesday, 05.31.2016

Bright and early I went in for my baseline ultrasound and blood work. This was a pretty quick appointment, but packed an overwhelming punch.

The waiting room consisted of me and two other women, all of us partner-less for the 6:30am arrival. Besides not having to miss work, a bonus is they are pretty much guaranteed to be running on time when you’re the first patient of the day! They are usually pretty good anyway, and are great on keeping us posted if they happen to be a bit behind.

I went back for the ultrasound that to be completely honest, I don’t really understand. She handed me a clipboard with a bright form attached, “you can help me since you’re just going to lie there” the nurse laughed. Okay, sure, I mean she IS right. We stared the super comfortable process. The right is 5 under 10, left is 4 under 10. Hmmm, what does that mean?? She said it means the follicles aren’t measuring because they’re too small. I’m sure she saw the absolute blank stare on my face because she continued to say that’s normal for follicles this early on without meds. Okay great, let’s move along then.

Next I went into the consult room to go over the medication plan. She gave me a little calendar indicating the dosage and time of injections starting at the end of the week. The amount I’m to be taking was much more than I thought I’d be doing a day, but I guess it really doesn’t make a difference, just more to mix up each day. Or it will make a difference and I will be a hormone crazed woman during my next post, meh, we’ll see. The program we opted for covers part of our medications, so in addition to the big box order we received from Walgreen’s ($1k or so on top of our fees to the clinic) they had a “gift bag” of more for me to take home. Overwhelming. Daunting. Scary, to say the least.

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Next up was some good ol’ blood work. No big deal here, easy peasy considering everything else you go through. They then sent me up to the front desk to make my next two appointments and said I wouldn’t hear anything unless there is a concern with my blood work. Well of course I heard from them. It’s not that big of a deal I guess, we just added an additional hormone replacement to aid the process. What’s ONE more medication really?!

Whew! I’ll start the injections Saturday morning then head back for follow ups on Monday and Wednesday next week. I think they’ll be about 10 more appointments over the next two weeks so the adventures continue! No looking back now, we’re all in and ready to go!

FIRST INJECTION DAY: Saturday, 06.04.2016

I had to get up early on a Saturday to stick myself with a needle. Not. Cool.

They said I should administer the injection at the same time each morning. I set my alarm for 5:45 so I’d be ready at 6am and it’d be better for my upcoming appointments and work schedule. Nope, that didn’t happen. I’m not sure if it didn’t go off or if I failed to snooze and just ended the alarm. Either way, I didn’t get up until 6:45. Blah, really starting out well here.  Since G is the greatest guy ever, he offered to get up early too and setup the meds for me. I was feeling anxious about mixing it anyway so that was perfect.

I am not a natural at this. I needed a few pep talks, couple laughs, and a big deep breath. It frickin hurt! I’m not sure if I did it right or if it’s just going to sting no matter what. I didn’t actually think about how I was doing it and if my grip was ideal for actually pressing the syringe plunger. It’s definitely a learning experience, and I guess the good news is I’ll have a lot of practice. These will continue another four days until my next ultrasound when they give me the next dosage. (Currently – 375u or 5 vials of Menopur, in addition to an oral hormone replacement drug)

I tried to go back to sleep after that and couldn’t quite get there. Since I started the one pill a few days ago I’ve felt a little on edge, quick to be irritated. I have days like that without medication so who’s to say what the cause is this time around. I didn’t notice any big changes today either, we’ll see how it develops this week with continued use. I did manage a little “me day” to boost my mood and relax a bit with all the hustle and bustle around here. Pedicure, massage, and facial. Much needed for my current physical and mental state, it really re-energized and kind of reset my mind and body a bit.

I think the next couple weeks are going to fly by, and I’m ready once again to keep moving forward!

Sunday, 06.05.2016

I got up early again for my injections – this time I didn’t wake G up to help me. Just a little mixing, it can’t be that hard. It wasn’t, but it did take a while, not a quick process that’s for sure. It still really hurt and stung, I switched to the right side this time too. Not sure if I was instructed to or not although it make sense to even out the pain. We had a 9am tee time, just the two of us. I was slightly groggy but excited to hit the course. I did not play well. Chunked a few, then my drives weren’t ideal, it just kept going downhill. On hole number 15 I lost it. I hit a bad approach shot and legitimately started crying in the middle of the fairway. Wow. There is no reason for that! I guess these hormones are doing more than I anticipated. We laughed about it later that evening with my family at dinner. It’s going to be quite the rollercoaster of emotions. Good luck G 🙂

Monday, 06.06.2016

I had another blood work appointment at 7 am. No big deal there, I’m getting used to needles being an everyday part of life now (not really but I didn’t have to shove this one in my arm so that’s a bonus). We also had Grandpa Ray’s visitation and wake in the afternoon. On our way there I received a call from the nurse saying that based on the blood work results we need to increase the dosage. Blah. I had to take an additional shot that night and then do six vials going forward. An emotional day already coupled with an increase – which in my head means it’s not going as well as we want so we have to up it. While I understand that’s not necessarily the case as it’s not a perfect science, I was still a little bummed about it.

Tuesday, 06.07.2016

Funeral day. We were up and at mass by 9:30 or so. One of our very best friends came to the service and that was such a nice surprise, we both really appreciated her presence. She’s one of those people who just makes you feel good no matter what’s going on. Just an overall sweet and generous person, we’re lucky to have her in our lives. I asked a few questions as she’s in the medical field and chatted a bit about the process. It’s weird to have that be a distraction conversation as usually I’m looking for something else to distract from me from the infertility/treatment. Today was a little different I guess. After mass we had a luncheon, went to Fort Snelling where Grandpa Ray would be buried, then back to the house for the family to gather and have some refreshments. G and I didn’t get home until around dinner time. I was just drained. And not even just from that Tuesday. From every day the last few weeks. There is just so much going on, changes, hormones, loss, and I’m just tired. Now would be a great time for a vacation and cocktail….

Wednesday, 06.08.2016

Ultrasound and blood work at 6:30am. There were a lot more numbers during this ultrasounds, so many that I couldn’t remember them all. There were _ by _ and _ by _ then 10 under 10 and blah blah blah. To me that sounded better, like the follicles were measurable now. That means the drugs are working right?! Gosh I hope so! I didn’t receive a call in the afternoon that my plan needed to change at all, so we will stay at the 6 vials for now. I go back again on Friday for another ultra sound and blood work, that appointment should let us know when I will be taking the trigger shot and when the egg retrieval will be. It’s strange to think that in about 10 days I’ll be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) 🙂 The emotional roller coaster will be still be there then I’m sure. The hormones continue to get the best of me, not overwhelmingly so, but I did cry again today. At work. Luckily nobody was around. That would be embarrassing since I’m pretty new here and I haven’t shared what I’m going through with any of them. I’ve just got to keep it together and keep on powering through this. Looking forward to the next appointment that’s for sure!

Thursday, 06.09.2016

No appointment this morning, injections went fine, not great. I’m getting used to doing them but they aren’t getting easier by any means. I’m still nervous and as soon as I open the alcohol pad the anxiety just rushes through me. That smell. Sterile and sad, it’s not something I associate with good things. It wasn’t an overly emotional day either, I did cry a little after I had lunch with some friends/old coworkers. I miss being able to vent and talk to them everyday. It’s difficult not being open at work about what I’m going through. I was so used to having people around me ask how it was going and be curious and supportive. Not having them around makes the process a little lonelier for me. G has his golf league Thursday evenings so it made for a great night of ice cream, snuggles with the dogs, and early to bed. Up early for my next appointment tomorrow morning.

Friday, 06.10.2016

A disappointing morning. I kept it together pretty well though. During my ultrasound where I keep track of the numbers she says, they gave me two columns this time. The last two times I only had one column to write the left and right side, this time there were going to be SO many numbers both wouldn’t fit into just one column. Wrong. Not that many again, bummer. The original plan we were hoping to do the trigger shot on Sunday for a Tuesday retrieval. We’re not ready yet, and the earliest retrieval day now will Wednesday. That’s ONLY one day difference, why be upset about it?? Oh, I don’t know, just because I being overloaded with hormones and any small variation from the plan will push me over the edge!!! So let’s make more changes while we’re at it! I’ll continue with the 6 vials of Menopur in the morning, add another 1 vial of Menopur at night, and a new injection called Ganirelix. Ugh. Now I have to do THREE shots a day, I don’t even like the one! I don’t know how people do this, I’m just such a drama queen about this, LOL! Okay fine though, it’ll be okay, in the end I know/hope it’s worth it. It was a nice surprise when I came home to another great gift from my cousin. She just always knows when I need a pick-me-up!

Now this new injection is much better right away, it doesn’t hurt when I start pressing on the syringe like the other one does. G is sitting on the bed for moral support now, and I turn around and smile, it’s not too bad. NOPE. A few minutes later it really hurts, not stingy either, just hurts. So now I have one that is a sharp pain during and another that’s after. Wow, I am a big baby I’m sure. I don’t remember any of my friends complaining like I do. Sorry G, it’s really not getting any easier on you either.

Saturday, 06.11.2016

The morning shot is fine now since I have the new ones to look forward to tonight. I had a great little lunch with a friend, did some birthday shopping for my sister, then went to spend some time with her and my niece. My sister was going to a concert, her husband got her the tickets, so I said I’d “watch” my niece while she was gone. My parents were also going to be there, so I wasn’t totally in charge. She ate, snacked mostly, then ran around a little bit before you could start to see her eyelids get real heavy. I grabbed her a new diaper and pajamas to get ready for bed. This girl just loves to be free and gets a second burst of energy as soon as the diaper comes off. Okay fine, run around bare bottomed for a minute. And that’s all it took. Before I knew it she was squatting and pooping on the carpet. Really? Is this what kids do? I grabbed her and picked her up, but not before she stepped in it. Gross. But I felt bad, because as soon as I scooped her up she was upset, and I wasn’t about to hold her close to me for fear of getting it on my clothes too and that made her even more sad that she wasn’t being cuddled. Between the tears and laughter we did make it to the bathroom without contaminating anyone or anything else. Now it’s bath time while my mom and dad clean up the living room. Is this what I want? All these drugs and poking and prodding for a poopy mess? After the tub my dad read her a story, I grabbed her some milk and brought her downstairs for bed. She clung to shirt and buried her face in my neck. So sweet and sleepy. I guess this IS what I want.

G spent the day working and having beers at my aunt and uncle’s house so I picked him up on my way home. The evening shots need to be between 7pm and 9pm so we had to rush a little bit getting back. Again, he sat on the bed watching and asking if I needed any help. After the first one he got up and rubbed my back. I can tell he feels helpless, but I do appreciate his presence, his demeanor usually calms me during anxious situations. Second one down and this time it hurts even more. I rub my stomach, try to massage it, not sure if that really helps or not but I do it anyway. I think I deserve some ice cream after that. As I’m in the kitchen scooping up a healthy bowl of Rocky Road, I get another little shot of pain in my stomach. I lift up my shirt and there’s a nice pink welt on my stomach. Oh great, let’s add some color to all the little blue and purple bruises I already had going for me. I have to be stronger than I am, but I really hope this process doesn’t go on for too much longer. I’m emotionally and physically tired.

Sunday, 06.12.2016

I easily fell back asleep after my 6am injection. A couple hours later we got up for a lovely brunch with our best friends. It’s always great to catch up with them, we don’t hang out as much as we used to but it never feels like any time has passed when we get together. After bagels and coffee G and I headed home to do a little yard work. Truthfully I didn’t do anything, I pretty much just watched him and kept him company. A few weeks ago we ripped out some bushes and rock in front of the house so now it needs some sod. He started rolling the new sod over the dirt and I just stood there watching. I told him it’s kind of weird that you’re transplanting the ground, taking it from wherever and it’ll grow here. Strange, right? He just stopped and looked up at me. “Are you serious? If you think this is weird, what about what we’re doing over the next week??” Oh wow, that’s funny, and I’m losing my mind. If I’m impressed by grass a baby will be unbelievable. Maybe by the time the sod sticks an embryo will implant too. Growth and life is everywhere. Just keeping with the plan and route we’ve been given. Last welt giving shot tonight along with the bonus one before tomorrow’s ultrasound and blood work. Here’s hoping this pain brings good news!

Monday, 06.13.2016

I am feeling oh so bloated. I feel huge. I was mildly uncomfortable yesterday, but today is much worse. When the nurse asked me how I was feeling and I told her, she smiled and said I might be ready then….seriously?? If I literally feel like my insides are puffy, that means I’m “done”, all primed and good to go?? Strange, but exciting! During the ultrasound I had more numbers to record and more numbers that were larger, over 12 or so. That sounded better, right? I asked if that was average, or if it was enough. The cliche response was it’s about quality not quantity, but I shouldn’t have anything to worry about with 8 follicles. It was trigger shot time! At EXACTLY 10:15pm I would have to do the Lupron injection and the Novarell injection. I’m so happy, but sad that I have to be up past my usual bedtime to do this….I really love my sleep. I also do not have to do morning shots anymore, YAY! It’s all happening now, this feels more like the goal. Retrieval would be Wednesday at 10:15am – hence the need for the late night shot I suppose. I left the office after my second to the last blood draw this week and a handful of instructions. After dinner that night I asked G to wake me up at 10pm. I was feeling a bit light headed and dizzy throughout the day and taking a little pre-bedtime nap might be helpful. He was nice enough to take the Lupron out of the fridge a little early too so I wasn’t injecting a cold cocktail in my belly. Neither shot was particularly painful, but my dizziness seemed worse afterwards. Since I had the bright idea to sleep two hours before this I couldn’t fall asleep again after. It was at least 1am before I went to bed and needed to be up early again for another appointment. Ugh, glad we’re almost done with this, I miss my regular routine.

Tuesday, 06.14.2016

Blood draw. I had a bruise on my left arm from yesterday so went with the right arm this time. That’s about how exciting these appointments get. Today is my sister’s birthday though, so that’s a bright spot on the day! Today was the original retrieval day, so now we don’t have to “share days” and she can keep Flag Day all to herself. We celebrated with steak dinner and a Dairy Queen blizzard cake. I have really been loving the ice cream the last couple weeks. I hope there isn’t a weight check tomorrow…..since I just barely made the weight restrictions for our program I really needed to stay on top of my diet. It’s been extra difficult with all the extra hormones running through my body though. This piece of cake isn’t going to make it any worse or better than it already is I suppose. I can’t believe tomorrow is the day. At first I was really excited, then nervous, then anxious. Now I’m almost moved past the thought of the retrieval and want to get to the transfer day. Always looking at the next step, not really thinking about what’s right in front of me. I am scared though. I want there to be a good amount of eggs, I want the embryos to make it, I want to make sure we can freeze some for down the road. I’m getting ahead of myself. We just need to make it through tomorrow and take it one day at a time. Happy and hopeful. Look for the good, no need to worry yet. And I technically get to sleep in tomorrow, no 5am alarm is quite the blessing these days.

EGG RETRIEVAL: Wednesday, 06.15.2016

No food or drink after midnight. No meds this morning. Arrived at about 9am for our appointment and they brought G back first then me shortly after. It was a new nurse we hadn’t seen before but she was just as sweet as our usuals. Down at the end of the hall stood two of those usuals. We all smiled and did little dances, it’s so incredible to have such support and encouragement from the whole staff. The anesthesia nurse came in the room to discuss the procedure. She said she read my file and this would be no problem considering all the other procedures and surgeries I’ve had. We walked across the hall to the surgery room where I recognized a few faces. We laughed at how awkward the setup was, but at this point that’s actually normal, and I really don’t remember much after that.

It was quick, I was awake in the recovery room less than an hour later. Mild pain and cramping, still sleepy. G said I was talking to my doctor, slurring rather, in the operating room but that doesn’t sound familiar to me. She told G they were able to get 6 eggs and the embryologist said at first look they all seem good. He asked her what we could expect, not even a good scenario, just average. Sounds like 4 embryos would be great, with 2-3 actually making it. She said it’s possible all 6 could fertilize but not to expect that.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t just a little disappointed. I really wanted more. I will be positive though, being upset won’t help me. The embryologist will be calling me on Friday afternoon to let me know if we will be doing a transfer on Saturday or Monday. I won’t know the outcome of our embryos until we go in so that will be a little nerve wracking. I can only rest, relax, and hope for the best. We’re so close but these few days feel pretty far away.

Thursday, 06.16.2016

Back to work today and no early morning appointment, YAY! I’ve got lots of meds to take still but that’s enjoyable compared to the last couple weeks. Adding a few more this evening as well as the Endometrin; and that unfortunately is NOT to be swallowed ? Think tampon pill. Blah. Endometrin contains progesterone which is needed to prepare the lining of the uterus so it can receive a fertilized egg. Progesterone also helps you become and stay pregnant. All that being said I suppose I’ll put up with the uncomfortable administration. If I need to do IVF again I already know a few things I’d do differently, including more medication planning and organizing. Maybe alerts on my phone or a checklist. My anxiety and mental health probably would’ve thanked me for that.


I had some great conversations with old coworkers at a lunch hour baby shower. It was great to share with them where we’re at and lots were staying current with these blog posts too. The mother-to-be was glowing, she’s like a pregnant celebrity, still as pretty as ever. This was one of few showers I’ve gone to and looked forward to. I’m either really really happy for her or becoming a little less envious of those preggos. I’m okay with both right now, we’ll see if it changes based on this IVF outcome. I’ll end today with these fun facts on our little embaby/embabies aka embryos.

Friday, 06.17.2016

Today is day 2 as the retrieval day is counted as day zero. Today we will find out if we are doing a transfer tomorrow – Day 3, or on Monday – Day 5. Under every scenario but one, we will be transferring two embryos if we have them. Day 3 high or low quality = 2 embryos. Day 5 low quality = 2 embryos. Day 5 high quality = 1 embryo. If we make it to day 5 that is typically better with higher success rates, that’s why we chose to only transfer one if it’s high quality (around 80% result in a baby). But transfers on day 3 can also be beneficial because they may develop better by being inside the uterus earlier. At this point I don’t really have a big preference on which day, I just want it to work and I want to know about my eggs and embryos. I was told the call would come after 2pm. I had a meeting from 11am-2pm so that would work out great for me. Get out of the meeting, phone rings with wonderful news for me. Nope – I hear my phone vibrating and look down to see the clinic calling and it’s only 11:45. They left a voicemail. I attempted to be discreet and text G. Hopefully he could call to get any information they might have. I get this response back “No information on the number and quality until the transfer…but it will be on Monday…BOOM!” Someone sure was excited! I heard later that he was all smiles and pumped up around the office the rest of the afternoon 🙂 While I’m happy to be a little closer – and technically 2 days further away – I am being eaten alive by emotions. I wanted all my eggs to be successfully fertilized, I want them all to be perfect quality embryos, I don’t want to lose any of them. How many will we have? How many can be little freezies? Will I have to/get to/want to do this all over again? Of course I can’t just think about what’s right in front of me, I go to the way out future and what does that look like for us. I nearly cried at my desk thinking about all of this, and now I’ll wait til Monday to find out the answers. I sent a message to my parents, brothers, and sister. We have my cousin’s high school graduation party tonight, so I’ll see them all there too. As soon as we arrived I had several aunts and uncles and cousins approaching me with big smiles, “Monday?!” Yup, pretty sure mom made a group announcement at the grad party with our news. LOL I don’t mind, I don’t want to bring it up anyway, so better she does. We had a nice time there, then a group of ten of us went out for dinner and drinks. It turned out to be a wonderful evening with family and I didn’t worry about the future or even the next few days at all. Let’s hope it doesn’t make for a long weekend.

Saturday, 06.18.2016

Nothing too exciting today. G went golfing. I went to my favorite little boutique shop and then got my nails done. G mowed the lawn, I helped point out branches he should cut down from a tree in the back yard. I’m extra sensitive to the sun because of some the medications I’m on, so it really is best that I stand in the shade and point things out to him 🙂 I can guarantee he doesn’t agree! We then went to my parents house for dinner and some play time with Jojo. Overall it was a fine day. Not too crazy or uneventful. Counting down the hours now until we get to see what we’ve created. Lots of love, little science.

Sunday, 06.19.2016

Father’s Day. To be honest, this holiday is at least just as hard on me as Mother’s Day is. I feel like it’s my fault G isn’t celebrating today. I’m not so ridiculous that I don’t understand there’s nothing I could have or can do about my situation but is still that; MY situation. He didn’t sign up for this, he didn’t know loving me would be so difficult, having a family would be the hardest obstacle to overcome in our relationship. He deserves so much more than I’ve been able to give him. Every morning and everyday and every night he says he loves me with the most heart and conviction. And every morning, day, and night I hope and pray to bring another life into this world so I’m not the only one to feel how special he is. I know that no matter how this turns out he will continue to be the best husband and dog-dad there ever was and he’d never think twice about it. Tomorrow is our transfer day, I will do every crazy tip, eat two whole pineapples, or whatever other strange thing I can find to improve our chances. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to make G the happiest husband and/or father I can. ?

Today is also a day to celebrate MY father. While I’m a bit biased, he is my favorite dad. He thinks he’s hilarious, and is kinda funny. He’s super smart and mechanically inclined. He is very thoughtful and caring. He loves his four kids and granddaughter more than anything. I don’t remember a single day spent with him that he didn’t say I love you. Every night before bed as a child I remind getting a hug, kiss, and an I love you. He’s sensitive and strong. I wouldn’t be the woman I am without the man he is. Thank you to my dad and all the dads who are there for their children, that love is irreplaceable and unforgettable. ?

TRANSFER DAY: Monday, 06.20.2016

Finally. The day we’ve been waiting years and years for is HERE. We woke up early so I could take the required meds on time and then just payed back down in bed. We smiled and G asked if I was excited, I said I don’t know. The emotions are still all over the place and I really don’t know what to feel.

We arrived a little early for our appointment and the nerves were setting in. I drank almost a full water bottle in the few minutes we waited to go back. One of my favorite nurses brought us back and has me read over the at-home instructions before I popped a couple vallium. The embryologist came in next. This is what we’ve really been waiting for. He’s very nice and tells us what we’re looking at now. During the egg retrieval they were able to get six eggs. Of those six eggs four of them were mature and able to be fertilized. Today they will be transferring one very high-quality embryo. Tomorrow we will find out if the other three are strong enough to be frozen. This is great news, and while I really wanted all of them to be perfect and high-quality, this is still a better than average scenario.

G and I put on our little booties and went across the hall for the transfer. He sat right next to me as I got all (un)comfortable on the bed and waited. My doctor came in, as excited and happy as we were, and now we’re ready to do this. My nurse got on a walkie-talkie to let the embryologist know it was time. While the process was quick, and a bit painful, it was very special. G being there with me, which most partners get to have their significant other with them when conceiving a child so there’s some normalcy to this, and we could watch. They pointed a second ultrasound screen towards us so we could see what was happening. And that was it. The embryologist checked the needle/syringe/catheter thing to make sure our little Petri made it and we’re all done. Packed up, hit the road, and I’m asleep before we hit the highway.

Bed rest is recommended, lots of relaxing, low stress, no lifting or strenuous exercise. I’m taking some time off work, could do some stuff from home if need be, but really need this week to decompress and give my body the best chance at making this happen. This has been such a long process and I could really use a reboot. So now I’m PUPO, pregnant until proven otherwise, and we will just have to wait and see if our little Petri decides to stay awhile. We sure hope so ?

Tuesday, 06.21.2016

Bed resting it up. Incubator and pineapple eating machine over here. My lovely mom came over with an egg bake and spaghetti for me. I’m trying to stay away from the Google monster, so far it’s told me to eat warm foods (hence mom’s choices) and foods easily digestible, no ice beverages, raw veggies, blah blah blah. Well I am following the pineapple tip but I am NOT giving up ice cream. In fact, we have those delicious Cold Stone Creamery ice cream cupcakes and I plan on eating them all.

I received an email today about the other three embryos. They were able to freeze two of them, so that’s great news! I called G to tell him and could barely speak I was crying so hard. He couldn’t even tell if I was happy or sad. Truth is, I was both. I felt quite emotional about one not being good enough and unable to be frozen. I understand the science and logic and reasoning but my heart hurt a little.

I’m going to try to not drive myself crazy between now and test time, but it’s not going to be easy. I’ve already had plenty of feelings of loss. I sneezed too hard and Petri’s done for. The Endometrin is pushing Petri and keeping from implantation. The ice cream gave Petri brain freeze and that’s the end. Sometimes my mind gets the best of me. I will probably not keep up with the daily posts as there shouldn’t be any big changes or processes going on. Should anything come up, I’ll be back, otherwise hopefully the next post will have good news ?? Below is a generic daily timeline following the transfer of our little Petri for reference…

FINAL BETA TEST 07.01.2016

I went in for a blood draw on Wednesday morning, they would NOT be calling me with any results yet. This morning was the second and final blood draw/beta test to see if our little Petri is here to stay.

The last 12ish days or so have been pretty rough. I haven’t felt like I’ve experienced any pregnancy symptoms – but of course EVERY body and EVERY pregnancy is different. My breasts were a little sore a couple days, could be explained by the sports bra I wear at golf. I’ve had some mild cramping, that could be that I’m getting my cycle or just don’t feel well. Felt a bit nauseous one day, unfortunately pretty that’s common for me because of my migraines. I did relax quite a bit, ate my usual foods for the most part, drank maybe a splash of Disaranno and Diet Coke, and of course kept up on the handful of medications and vitamins. There really isn’t much to go off of whether it’s good news or bad news. I am, however, pretty damn proud of my will power. I did NOT take a home pregnancy test even once during the 2WW (two week wait)! That’s pretty impressive if you ask me, since it appears the entire internet IVF family takes one every day after their transfer! I did however lookup a lot of what others were doing and feeling on  basically every day starting on 5dp5dt (5 days post 5 day transfer). Pretty much nothing indefinite and nothing that really made me feel better for looking it up through 9dp5dt (9 days post 5 day transfer). Oh well, it only made me slightly more anxious.

I wasn’t sure I’d be able to answer my phone during the window the nurse gave me. We decided they would call G instead with the results of the blood test. It’s actually pretty exciting for him as he doesn’t know anything before I do, I’m always a few steps ahead of him in this process. So they will call him between 3:30pm and 4:00pm, and he won’t tell me until we’re both home from work. I made a list of questions he made sure to ask her so I’d definitely have all the information. What medications do I continue or discontinue, when should my next appointment be and gave him my availability, can we have sex – yup, sorry for the TMI family, but you can’t have sex for majority of this process and that doesn’t really help a stressful time in our marriage. The last week and half combined felt like it went by faster than today did. I sent G an email asking if they maybe called him earlier than we though they would, and when I didn’t receive a response in the next 90 seconds I decided to send another one telling him that it didn’t matter and not to tell me either way.

I left work a bit early, it was super quiet at the office anyway so it worked out that I could head home to hear the news sooner than expected. I sent G a text letting him know I would be home before 4:30. Of course my mom called too and said she’d been watching the clock every minute for the last hour waiting for my phone call. I told her that the wait isn’t easy on any of us, but I’d let her know as soon as I do. I heard the garage door and waited for G to come to the deck where I was with the dogs. I was ready to cry already, it didn’t matter if they were happy or sad tears, they were ready to come anyway. He didn’t say anything and just started walking towards me to hug me. I still couldn’t tell what it was he was going to tell me and before I could really speak he shook his head and said “No.”

We cried and cried and cried. Me more than him, but he had his time since he knew for hours before I did. They called around 2pm and he said you could tell right away by her voice that she wasn’t going to give us the “you’re going to have a baby” speech. I called my mom, didn’t say more than 3 words before we both hung up. I sent a few texts to my siblings and best friends, and that was the extent of the sharing for today. I cried and cried and cried. I have a lot of feelings inside me. I feel scared and sad. I feel ashamed and weak. I feel like I’ve let my husband and family down. I feel broken. Why didn’t it work? It seemed so promising, high quality egg, day 5 embryo, perfect transfer, what did I do wrong? Why does my body hate me? Ugh. I could go on forever in this pity party. I tried to tell myself throughout the process that it wouldn’t work, that way I’d be less devastated when it didn’t work. Unfortunately even I don’t believe my own lies.

We’ll be going in the next week to talk to our doctor and decide what we’d like to do next. We have our two other freezies waiting for us, so we’ll see what she recommends us doing. The nurse told G that if we weren’t ready to start up right away that we could take our time, take the summer off, and come back in the fall if we’d like. Infertility and IVF is such a roller coaster, the events and emotions are always surprising, but if you get off the roller coaster are you going to get back on again? We’ll see how we feel this week after letting it sink in a little more and hopefully receiving some more information and answers.

After this being the end of our first IVF cycle, it not going the way we hoped, and sharing it on the damn internet like the crazy person I am; I just want to say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for all the lovely messages and texts and comments and emails and calls that I received. I am passionate about a lot of things, and now that I’m sharing one of those things with the world, it is so appreciated that there are all of you along with me/us now. We may be putting this in the hands of science now but fingers crossed, prayers, baby dust, lucky charms – whatever you’ve got, I want them all. XOXO